How Do You Say Goodbye?

I’m so sorry to all of you who may have stopped by to check on me and wondered if I fell off the face of the earth. Basically, the answer is, “Yes.” I have written the blog post about all of it 100 times in my head and still can’t find a way to write it on the page. I’m still limited in my sitting – in hard chairs and the chair at THIS desk. I have a laptop that is ancient but will allow me to sit sideways on the couch. However, it doesn’t even have Word on it. And I lose a portion of my day each day to recovery and pain management so what’s left over is taken up with schooling my son and feeding people around here, and occasionally hosing out the house.

But today, I MUST MUST MUST write this particular blog. It has been on my mind to do for far longer than my current issues even existed, and there’s no more time to waste. I’m sure you know what I mean (for those of you who blog). Have you thought of things you wanted to share and one little thing or another got in the way and you just put it off? That is this post.

I have a beautiful blogging friend, Sara, who goes by “Gitz” at Gitzen Girl Blog and she has been a source of amazing inspiration, laughs, and get-er-done practicality. She was diagnosed years ago with a disease called Ankylosing Spondylitis, a severe type of arthritis. She has been majorly affected, including her lungs, and has been unable to even venture outside for the last few years. Only in her 30’s, she has lived a house-bound life with her precious little dog, Riley – her near and dear constant companion. Family and friends come to her, even blogging friends have made the trek to see her in Iowa. I always wished I could have met her in person. She inspires greatly and I think it would have been awesome to share person-to-person.

She is a gifted artist. Even though she has been greatly affected, occasionally her body would let her paint and she would make these beautiful paintings with sayings on them. I won one during a contest she had and then I bought one. They hang to my left at this desk. I see them each time I pass by or sit here and I think of her. I have wanted to share them with you for a long time because they are so meaningful to me. The first, this one….

…..I bought because I WANT to be that person. You KNOW I love to laugh and make others laugh. It brings me enormous joy. The reality is, I probably worry about my own happiness more than I do others. Do I really spend each day trying to bring happiness or do my own wants and desires loom larger? Do I “me first!” or “you first?” I can tell you Sara’s all about “you first.” She looks for ways to enrich everyone who crosses her path. Even when she doesn’t have it in her she finds something encouraging to say. Her motto is “Choose Joy!” Pretty hard when your body is wracked with pain, you can only gaze at the world through glass, and there’s no hope of rejoining the world most of us take for granted every day. She definitely CREATES joy.  I also loved this canvas for the colors. All of them right up my alley. And color helps me feel happy. My personal motto is: “Life is too short for beige.”

This canvas I won in her contest and I’ve pondered its meaning dozens of times when I’ve looked at it. It can mean so many different things depending on what I’ve been going through and where I am in my life. Right now, when I think of her, it’s especially poignant. I’m not sure Sara has ever met a stumbling block and every stone in her path she has decided to use as a stepping stone. And she always encouraged us to do the same. Right now, she’s one stepping stone away from the arms of Christ.

 

You see, Sara is losing her battle with AS. It happened pretty suddenly (my sweet friend Vicky, with her own serious battle – see my last post - sent me a note) and, last week, her body said “No more.” She is young, in her late 30’s, but the body can only withstand so much and hers has been through a war. However, her spirit is healthy and strong and soaring, even as she is confined to her bed, attended by loving family, saying her last goodbyes. She is traveling the path we will all travel at some point and the family says she is resting easy….something she’s been unable to do. She was put on hospice last week and we are helping to pray her through, and to pray her home, on her journey. Barring a complete miracle, we will not have our dear, dear Sara anymore on this earth. I’m crying now just writing that sentence. But Sara will be more alive than ever. Soon she will run outdoors in the most beautiful place in all creation. She will breathe deeply. She will be reunited with her father who she lost suddenly, and very unexpectedly, last year. She will see Jesus. She is breaths away from total joy and freedom.

Sara, I now have to say this to you. I don’t know if you’ll ever hear these words but I’ll say them anyway and tell you how sorry I am I didn’t say them sooner. Do you realize how many lives you’ve touched? How many lives you will continue to affect through your exquisite writing? Pain is often a lonely path. Even those closest to us cannot share it. Many have no one – no one – to understand, to validate, to encourage, to pray for them, to offer hope, to even once make them laugh and feel seen. You did all that. You led by example but even more, you let each one travel their own path, in their own way. And you were there for them. Anyone struggling with the loneliness and isolation of debilitating pain and/or disease could travel to your blog and find a sister-of-the-heart in you. Do you realize you were all some people had? You may have made the difference between life and death for some who were desperate and thought no one understood. You did understand and you pointed them to Christ, the author and finisher of our faith. You encouraged them to “choose joy” and to look for anything, even the smallest of things, to be thankful for, while at the same time comprehending the abject battle fatigue that is chronic pain. Through three years of knowing you I’ve read hundreds and hundreds of comments from those so deeply moved by your words. I’ve been among them. You privately emailed how many? Thousands and thousands, I have no doubt. What an immense work you did in this blogging world. What an incomprehensible difference you made.

Go on to your great reward, sweet girl. It’s all waiting for you; joy we can only imagine here on earth. We will feel your loss deeply and profoundly but you deserve all that is yours through Christ. I look forward to seeing you there one day where all the former tears and pain will be wiped away. Dance, sing with your oh-so-lovely voice, and be happy. You chose joy here on this earth, Sara. Now, it’s choosing you. I love you.

Robynn

Sara and Riley

 

©Copyright 2011

PLEASE VISIT ME! Pretty Please????

I know I've been gone for eons. I have written my returning post a hundred times in my head but it always ended up with you throwing up and that didn't seem like a good way to begin again. Then, there was the chicken aspect - me being chicken to trail out the crazy/horrible/private/weird details of my malady that won't let me sit down in my computer chair long enough to write anything worth reading. But all that can wait. (And the choir sang, Praise the LORD!)

Then something happened. I got a quick note from a blogging friend and it made me miss her and think about her all over again. It wasn't anything wordy or informative; just a line. I had long ago given up trying to visit blogs because all I have to use is an Ipod and, if you have one, you know how desperately slow it loads web pages. By the time I would get in and read, of COURSE I'd want to comment because I'm not known for not having an opinion (something very grammatically incorrect with that sentence but, who cares? It's my blog....gosh, I miss this heady freedom!). And so I would wax humorous, eloquent, loquacious, entertaining, (or more likely serious, feeble, tongue-tied, and boring but let's not nit-pick) and then it would ask me to sign in.

I would…..

……through a very long, involved process. Ten minutes later, I was in and my comments were gone. I'm slow, but it didn't take me long to figure out this was a rapid slide into insanity. I ride too close to the edge as it is. I can't afford that kind of risk. So I bailed. I checked email and Facebook and let that connect me to the world. I have kissed my Ipod even though it is limited. At least it's a window! But it's not blogging. And it's not visiting your blogs. And so, I walked on the wild side and dropped into Vicky's blog, via my Ipod. Something about what she wrote made me go.

And this is what I found out........

My sweet blogging friend has cancer. Not just any cancer, either. She had to be an overachiever. She has stage IV breast cancer. She just found out about two weeks ago. One day, life was cooking along and she was just another hockey mom cheering on her two sons who are in second and fourth grade, doing the things moms/women/wives do. She was also recovering from the loss of her VERY dear father several months back, and, as if that wasn't enough....wham. A lump she found seemed out of the ordinary. She'd had two before and they were benign. This one was different. She followed up. And she found out - quickly. It seems there is also a spot on her liver, and spine. She is headed right into an experimental treatment and she has the attitude of a prize fighter. In fact, her home-girls have showered her with gifts and get-togethers and she has signs and gifts that say, "Fight like a girl!" One of her hockey mom friends has made bracelets out of darling hockey laces and is selling them for $5.00 each - through Vicky's blog - to raise money to help her.

I'm buying mine tonight. It has a clasp and I'll wear it for Vicky and for all my friends and family who have battled this disease. There are more than there should be - seven at last count. If your life, or the life of someone you love, has ever been touched by this disease, would you please visit Vicky's blog and buy one? It is unique and isn't just another plastic bracelet. It's lovely and looks like jewelry.

This is the link: http://thewestraworld.blogspot.com/2011/03/worthy.html

And you'll love Vicky. She is so real. She wrote to me in my early blogging days and encouraged me about some difficult things as only she could. And she's funny and upbeat and looks for every bright spot God ever created. She's looking to Him for healing, guidance, abundance, and the ability to put one foot in front of the other. You will be encouraged when you’re there. Let's stand together and ALL fight like girls - yes, even you GUYS.....if you can take the punch. :)

Please pray and please consider blogging about this yourself, if breast cancer has impacted your life in some way. Thank you, all my patient and loving friends.

With Love,

Robynn

I Need a Voice

....and a venue, and a place to vent, and spill, and dish, and discuss, and tell it like it is. I've been in a rat race and so far, the rats are way ahead and all I see are rat tails and droppings. (Insert photo here - well, in your mind anyway.) Boy, I miss all of you and this and the outlet that writing is for me. I know I've also missed a lot in your lives and I'm so sorry. The good news is (well, not for my enemies), the family has not had me put to sleep yet. You have no idea what restraint they've shown.

Love,

Robynn

I Just Couldn't Do It

I bought a Christmas tree yesterday.

I wasn't going to. Budgetary constraints and common sense and painting and general house confusion had caused me to say, "Impractical. Let's just forget it for this year." But then I drove by the little lot where we always get our trees and there were just a few left. They looked lonely. And I figured the guy would cut me a deal. I mean, it's almost Christmas. It may be a $50 tree but take the $20 bucks I'm offering or eat tree soup in a few days. I figured they'd rather have the $20. I was right. And didn't a whole BUNCH of us do this when we were kids? I remember lots of Christmas Eve trees. That was before Christmas started in September like it does now.

So my tree is sitting on the back porch while I finish painting the wall where it's supposed to be displayed. Nothing like the last minute. And I was counting on Bo having the day off to decorate it so, naturally, she had to work unexpectedly. The poor thing is EXHAUSTED. She just finished finals last week with 16 units (and it looks like she pulled another 4.0 - she has to keep her grades up to keep her scholarship), worked the whole semester and has her volunteer work as well, and a sometime-second-job. If the kid doesn't collapse it'll be a miracle. (Spring semester: 20 units - really?) I miss her. We haven't had one minute to celebrate the season together. No lunches, no shopping, no just sitting with a cup of hot cocoa. These are the times I wish we didn't have to struggle and I could say, "School is enough. Drop everything else and have a life." But we can't. Grizzly's work injury in March started us down a rough financial path when they never covered a single sick day. We've been lucky to hang on to the house by the skin of our teeth (ewww.....what IS the skin of your teeth?). That means we need Bo to work for the things she must have so she ploughs forward and probably builds some character muscles that will last her a lifetime. And her supervisor's daughter was just diagnosed with a serious virus so, naturally, Bo helps and fills in where she's needed. She would never leave her co-workers in a lurch.

And now I added the tree to her "to do" list. But she wanted it, too. We talked while she was lying in bed and we both decided we never know when last Christmases come. Last time it's just the four of us? Last time when we're all in the same town? Or, just the last time? Who knows what life has around the corner for any of us. Isn't that a cheery Christmas thought? Hey, it's been a rough year. There were times I thought one of us would croak, several times I wished I would, and probably a few where others wished I would. (But I lived to spite all of us so why not grab a bargain tree and celebrate?) Come Christmas morning, we might be gazing at a bare tree but it will be a bare CHRISTMAS tree!

So, I'm off to paint and hopefully make fudge at some point - Easter maybe. And then two hours of physical therapy with Atilla the Hun this afternoon. (She's actually a darling girl I absolutely love but she WILL torture you if she needs to and never bat a big, beautiful eyelash.) And I need to quit losing time every day to this S.T.U.P.I.D. issue I'm still dealing with. Right in the middle of painting yesterday when SMACK - six hours gone. No one has six hours to give away to POINTLESSNESS five days before Christmas.

Golly, I bet you've missed all this whining. Sure is good to be back! (And THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR RESPONSES AND WELCOMING GREETINGS! Sounds like it's a strange year for many of us but we're making the best of it and counting our blessings. Guess that's why we're still hangin' together. If your life is perfect, you probably won't like it here!)

In case I don't see you before, I truly wish you all the merriest of Christmases - time with those you love, an opportunity to bless others, and a minute to stop and say, "Everything may be topsy-turvy, troubles may knock at the door, but no matter what, God holds us in His hand and, it is well with my soul."

© Copyright 2010

Can It Really Be December?

Merry Christmas! Hello! Are you still out here......? I see I've gained a few followers since I've been gone. Now I know the secret of growth - profound silence.

Just wanted to pop in for a minute and tell you that you should be grateful for all the gory details I've spared you. It's my Christmas present to you. But don't expect it to last much longer. I have improved to the point that I may be able to sit here, at my computer, long enough to write revolting stories. I can't wait.

I miss every one of you and am looking forward to catching up and getting to visit blogs again, even if it's only one a day. Thank you for your notes in the meantime and the prayers! I'm still recovering but I'm SO much better than four, three, or even two months ago.

It's a strange Christmas here. No tree, no presents. We have been having to do some home improvement projects and are finishing so late, we all decided to have a Whoville Christmas without ribbons, boxes, or bags. Christmas will come just the same and maybe we'll truly focus on why! We have been invited to spend Christmas Day with dear friends while Grizzly works. We are happy for the work and sad for his absence. But EVERYthing is upside down this year so we are embracing the theme and letting life unfold. It'll be that weird Christmas our kids will always remember. Everybody has to have ONE of those.

What are you all doing? I'd love to hear! This week I'm painting and making fudge. It'll be great if I don't get the two combined. If anyone gets sage colored fudge from me, don't eat it.

Back soon. Merry, MERRY Christmas, my dear bloggy buds!

With Love,

Robynn

It Takes a Village to Care for An Idiot

I just have to pop in and say that I am the blessed recipient of the most amazing care. Everyone pities me, which is rich - you just don't GET that every day. And then they feed me.

We have had over three weeks worth of loving friends bringing meals, flowers, and even groceries. I've had friends, and an aunt, lay on the bed with me and just hold my hand and even sleep. You KNOW you're comfortable when you fall asleep with other people on your bed with you. I've had the loveliest cards and texts and phone calls. One friend even dropped off a pin that says, "I Love Pain Meds." And I DO.

(I've also seen more Dr. Feel than I ever care to again but I did glean a few tidbits to help me tidy up the emotional wreckage I like to call my personality.)

Something you probably don't know about me is that I really want to entertain. And I RARELY do. I used to. A lot. I know this because I was reading my son's baby book to him while on my back and it had a calendar with the dates we had people over for dinner and shopping trips for Christmas party supplies. I threw a whiz bang Christmas party every year for our friends. Then life moved on. Our friends changed as we all went in different directions. And our furniture got rattier and we ripped out the carpet and bought wood flooring to install. The only room done? My daughter's and she doesn't even live here anymore. The furniture finally got replaced but the flooring still isn't finished. But I want EVERYthing to be done before I entertain again. And you know what? Life is passing me by.

Being on my back in bed for three weeks made me throw the doors open wide and say, "Here it is! All our imperfection is open for inspection!" This has been an incredibly humbling experience. I have friends with E.X.Q.U.I.S.I.T.E. homes and I have friends who live very simply. I didn't pick ANY of them for their home and I know for CERTAIN they didn't pick me for mine. Why do I care? I can give a lot of reasons, and some of them valid, but the reality is we just don't get do-overs for a life.

My constant prayer has been, "Lord, let me entertain again before I can't." He answered me through this recovery time after surgery. Gee, thanks, Lord. I have entertained in the lamest way possible. Others have provided ALL the food and the decorations while I supplied nothing but feeble "thank yous." However, I've had all these different people into my home so at least the barrier has been broken and I'd like to think of that as entertaining. (I can convince myself of almost anything.) Other than the occasional kid friend, people are once again being admitted into "Imperfect Land." And they keep coming.

Why? I have no idea. It's not because I'm a wonderful person. It's because they are. So what was I so worried about?

Hoping to be back soon!

With Love,

Robynn

©Copyright 2010

Oh The Things That I Could Tell You.....

That you'd never want to hear. BUT.I.CAN'T.SIT. for more than five minutes, and I only get that if I'm lucky. I have an iPod which keeps me from feeling like I've been dropped in a nunnery in the Swiss Alps. At least I have contact with the outside world. But I can't write. I can't visit. I can't even check Gmail (which is my blog email account) because of the computer meltdown. When I've tried to visit blogs on my iPod it takes forEVER to write a comment and then, more often than not, I lose the whole thing so that idea is dead.

(OH.MY.GOOD.OLFACTORIES! If my dog, who is laying at my feet, does ONE MORE OF THOSE THINGS, I'm passing out right after throwing up!)

I had planned to at least visit you guys but THAT hasn't happened. I planned to horrify you with the details of my surgery. THAT hasn't happned. I planned to write more chapters in my book. Well, you get the idea. I'm a deadbeat. I have had pain that should have its own book and agent but who'd read it or buy it? I'd have to pay people to perform those chores and that's not a direction that feels really fruitful. I am NOT back to my life. I don't know WHEN I'll be back to my life. I'm grumpy. I'm WHINEY. I'm not unaware that others have far more difficulties. So I'm also GUILTY which makes me whinier and grumpier. I'm gangs of fun.

Wish you were here!

©Copyright 2010