Monday, August 23, 2010

Time Out for Surgery

Tomorrow is my big day. I have surgery to fix this, uh, certain problem that I've been dealing with for far too long. (I promise to blog about it even though it's embarrassing and no one wants to hear about it. You know things like that never stop me.)

The hospital takes me in and springs me the same day but the doctor is making me stay in a drug induced stupor for three weeks. I can't drive. I can't operate heavy machinery, like computers. That's to keep me from doing and saying stupid things I'll regret later. You know, like usual. So if I show up at your place gushing about how much I've always loved you and then changing the subject to leaf blowers and people who don't floss their teeth, I beg your forgiveness in advance.

And I've been on a cleaning jag because I have wonderful friends who are insisting on bringing meals. That means they will see my house. And I don't want them to know how behind I am. They never read my blog so I'm sure they have no idea. Usually, when my house is a mess and somebody just stops by I simply hide in the closet and try not to breathe out loud. Now I can't get away with that. They might even come into my bedroom. I suppose that means I'll have to move the two foot high pile of laundry I like to call my "step stool" that I use to get into my extra high bed.

I only go on this kind of a cleaning frenzy for two events: vacation and surgery.

I just discussed this with my dear, sweet friend, Christina, yesterday at church. (She was all sympathy and commiseraton but, in reality, her house is always LOVELY. Thank you, Christina for pretending it's not so I didn't feel like the intervention candidate that I actually am.) We decided women do this for a variety of reasons but not the least of which is the risk of death.

What if we died while vacationing? Others would come in to our disarray and find out how we really live. Our husbands try to counter with statements like, "You'll be dead! Who cares!" But, being women, of COURSE we care because we KNOW people will still talk and we don't want to be remembered as the ones who had to have HazMat come in before others could find our final directives paperwork.

Also, there's the issue of vacationing in lovely, clean places where there is daily maid service and no pets or pet hair. Or dust. Or accumlation. From children and husbands. (Wives don't count since we always have to clean up our own mess anyway. No one comes behind US.) If towels are thrown on the floor, they are magically replaced the next day with fresh, new ones. Unmade beds are suddenly perfect.

Now, leave that dream-like environment and go home. To the mess that was left? No thank you. That kind of shock could induce headline worthy behavior in the returning wife/mother. So you must leave your home spotless.

As far as surgery is concerned, you are forced to lay on the bed/couch/kitchen counter and look at all the work you know you should have done when you had the chance. And you know if you COULD do it right now you would. And I love that lie with all my heart. It's so very holy to be utterly willing and completely unable to do all the things you tell yourself you'd do if only you could. It's far better than any get-out-of-jail free card. But if you haven't worked ahead of time, you WILL be forced to survey your disgusting domain. And that's too much guilt for even a seasoned slob.

And so I clean. And when I clean I'm an insane perfectionist.

"Do you really need to use brass polish on those draw pulls?" my husband asks while he surveys the dust hanging from the ceiling fan, spanish moss style. I have no balance. But in a few short hours, I won't care. At least while I'm taking the drugs.

So I better go now. There's no time like the present to pretend you are a gifted Domestic Doyenne. Why can't they give you these drugs a week ahead of time so you don't notice all these things or care? Now THAT would be TRUE pain management.

©Copyright 2010

33 comments:

  1. Those drugs better not affect your sense of humor! Praying for you during this time and semding warm fuzzy hugs your way. Is this because they finally figured out what some of your problems were and surgery would correct it? I know you had those tests done awhile back. Love ya funny girl!

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  2. Praying for you! Hope all goes well. I'm like you, cleaning only in times of dire need like vacations, surgery or visiting family.

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  3. Great post. I'm so with you! Not on drugs but on a messy house. I hate housework, but the cleaning fairy keeps skipping my house when she makes her rounds, so I'm knee deep in dust bunnies and crap. I so need to clean. Maybe as the weather cools, I'll be more motivated?

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  4. Oh YOU! I hope you head on down to the hospital and have get into your drug induced state with no problems at all. I'm looking forward to hearing what you have to say when you're incoherent. Can't wait, in fact! Hugs to you, warm wishes for all to go well...

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  5. Before Kaylee came along...my cleaning was down to a science! One Saturday...done, now its whatever gets done on Friday or Saturday, is it. If you catch me in between, so be it, you get what you get! Hope the Lord doesn't take me unexpectanly on those in between days...all my friends will have some house work to do! LOL!

    Oh my funny friend, I will see you Saturday,(if you remember me!) and I promise not to hold anything against you!
    Praying for you sister.

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  6. Ok, whatever this surgery is for, please take good care of yourself, be patient with yourself, and know you're loved :)

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  7. Gonna keep you in my prayers despite how messy your house may be, ha ha :) I wish mine were messy, but sadly its worse than messy if there is such a thing. Its somewhere above filthy, but only just a little. I guess that is what happens after a long summer of boys home all day long :)

    Take good care of yourself, love and hugs :)

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  8. I love everything about this post, so true!! haha! Will send up prayers for your safe recovery, and I hope you DO show up at my blog and make insane comments. I would LOVE that!!! :-) XO!!!

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  9. Praying all goes well with the surgery! Are we twinkies or something? I am the same kind of housekeeper as you are! I'm SO afraid someone will drop by and see my "piles" of stuff! Why can't I just get rid of it all? It's ridiculous. I was going to tackle the house this summer, but I went and injured my hand ---so nothing got accomplished! I may have surgery too! V.

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  10. Hi Robynn

    Hope all goes well with the surgery. I am the same with cleaning - I can look at a dirty mark on the wall for weeks but if someone rings and says their coming for a visit, it's the first thing that I clean. Weird, huh? I like a neat, tidy house but a few dust bunnies don't bother me.

    Cheers - Joolz

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  11. Robynn, I clean like that too when things come up.I thought I was the only one!

    You take care of yourself and let folks take care of you also.
    You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

    Pam

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  12. My theory...if you are coming to see me y'all stop by anytime. If you are coming to see my house make an appointment!

    But I do understand wanting your house to be clean! Weird but so true!

    Good luck tomorrow!

    Blessings
    R

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  13. me too Mine is on friday .I'll pray for you.

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  14. I'll be praying for a swift recovery! You might want to leave the "stepstool" to your extra high bed(I have one too:). In your post surgery haze you might forget the stool is MIA...(gRin)

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  15. Robyn, Been a long time since I visited, but saw your title and thought "UH-OH" and here I am. I hope your surgery goes well and that you have a speedy recovery, messy house and all (in case you didn't finish it). Take care now and stay safe while in that stupor.

    ~Linnea

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  16. I'm the same way and I'm in awe of those people with the perfectly clean and stylish homes.
    My kitchen floor is currently got spots of mac & cheese on it as my 4 year old is a messy eater and the laundry is never ending and thankgoodness my bedroom door is almost always locked.lol
    I hope the surgery goes well and you recovery beautifully will have you in my prayers.
    Dont we all wish we had a maid you only said what I'm always thinking if the doorbell rings Iam mortified with 2 little girls that like to string their toys out all over the house;)Hugs Darcy

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  17. Good grief, girl! This doesn't sound good at all! I will keep you in my prayers. And I'll be waiting with pins and needles until you're able to post about it!

    Re: your house cleaning--I go through what you're going through every month because my home is where the ladies at church get together once a month! I know I could just quit hosting, but I really like the fact that I'm forced to deep clean my house at least once a month!

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  18. Wish I could send a cook and a maid, but alas, I can't... so Dearest Robynn - sending mighty prayers your way.

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  19. So much to say about this perfect post. First, I'm sorry you're having to have surgery, but I'm glad there will be a blog about it someday. LOVED the spanish moss comment while polishing the drawer pulls. Reminds me of my mom cleaning for company (which we almost never had) ... you could hardly walk through a room for all the stuff strewn about, and what was mom doing? CLEANING THE GROUT WITH A TOOTHBRUSH!! One more thing ... I totally think you should blog while drugged. Just start off with a disclaimer and then let her rip! (Will be praying for you, btw.)

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  20. Thank you for making me laugh! I appreciate your humor. Hope all goes well with your surgery.

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  21. ACK! Surgery.... you do everything the nice doctor says and come back soon. Hugs to you my friend!

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  22. Robynn, I will be keeping you in my thoughts!!

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  23. Best of luck with your surgery. I had back surgery in late January with an in/out deal, but it took me a very long time to reclaim my equilibrium. I hope you enjoy your 3 week drug-cation, and get your son to clean the house! Yeah, that'll happen. Dream on, in your drug induced stupor.

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  24. Hugs to you. I look forward to reading you are doing fine and full of drugs and happy.

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  25. Best of luck on your surgery!!! I have subscribed to your third blog and plan on reading daily. I also love your new hairstyle.

    Linda
    http://coloradofarmlife.wordpress.com

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  26. You are always a happy camper...and that makes me happy!
    I laughed at 'computers' being linked in with heavy machinery.
    You are just toooo funny, Robynn.
    I'll be thinking of you as your recuperate from your surgery. Thank you for your smiles...always.
    Love,
    Jackie

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  27. Oh, to have the gift of funny right before surgery. You crazy girl! I'd be polishing the brass too. BTW, thanks for explaining the whole vacation psychosis...lightbulb!

    I'll be praying for you, truly! Looking forward to some "medicated" posts. :)

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  28. So happy you still have your lovely sense of humour.

    Thinking of you in your surgery!

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  29. Oh, Robynn! I really needed the laugh today!
    My HUBBY just had back surgery this morning and is (at home) in the stupor you described! WHY do they send people home when there are highly qualified professionals who actually get PAID to take care of our nearest and dearest. Mind you, I love him dearly and would go to the ends of the earth for him but after four hours, I was wondering how I am going to survive the next FOUR WEEKS!
    I hope your surgery goes well. I'm sure you will be a model patient. It will be a good reminder to those in your household of all the little things you do every day (month, year) that go unnoticed.
    Much love, and God bless you in your speedy recovery!
    Teri

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  30. I'm reading this a little late, so by now, you are no doubt doped into oblivion, and wouldn't care if the Queen of England, herself, wanted to take a peek into your closet.

    We are such kindred spirits, or maybe twins separated at birth (who aren't the same age and look nothing alike, but still...). You so perfectly described me and my housecleanliness, or lack thereof. Seriously, to a T!

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  31. Well, Robynn, you probably won't be reading for a bit here considering the agony you've been in and your return visit to the blessed givers of intravenous DRUGS! Oh we pray that healing and pain relief come your way soon! Dianne said that when you were finally re-doped up, slurring away in your speech, you were (still) a crack-up -- in spite of the pain? or because of the soaring levels of meds?!
    Love you -- and thanking God for your return to the hospital, not because we're glad that you had to go back but because they TOOK you back and are sending sweet relief through your veins tonight!
    Hugs to you,
    Lori

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  32. Wishing you all the best. Don't get hooked on those crazy meds, ok?

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