Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Idiot Day…….I Won.

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Next Tuesday, March 9th, in our little town of about a million people (in Fresno County), our local Children’s Hospital of Central California will host an annual event called, “Kids’ Day.” People volunteer and stand on street corners to sell a special edition of The Fresno Bee, featuring info on the hospital and it’s young patients. It’s a great cause and raises much needed money. The kids and I signed up. Bo has had multiple eye surgeries there and The Wild Man has had surgery as well. They have also been hospitalized for flu when they were very young and given the royal treatment. They LOVE Childrens, as the locals call it.

However, what FEW people know is there is a special day exactly one week before this event for brain-dead homeschooling mothers. It is called “Idiots’ Day.”

Not just everyone qualifies. These are the conditions:

  • The day before Idiots’ Day your college age daughter must have all her planets line-up with work difficulties, school deadlines, and social obligations colliding at warp speed. This must cause her a meltdown in the way that the polar ice-caps encountering Krakatoa might cause a trickle of water.
  • Your long lost brother must give you his office address for mailing for fear you might stalk him at his residence.
  • Your pain medication must quit working. Your pain must not.
  • Your 14-year-old son must repeatedly make sounds, thump the desk, argue, and fall out of his chair while you teach him Algebra. This will not happen because he is simple. It will happen because he can.
  • Your dog must learn to jump the fence for the first time – and does.
  • Your mother must call and want to know all the information the attorney disseminated for her, in your presence, the Friday prior. You must disseminate it again.
  • You must call your nephew at Cornell and wish him a happy birthday into his cell phone message center and worry that in the past three months, none of your phone calls, texts, or emails have been returned and decide whether or not to consider foul play or police contact.
  • As you share your day with your husband, he must tell you about a friend whose homeschooling wife is leaving him AND the children. You know you should sympathize but instead you ask if there is room in her car. Your husband will reply, “No,” as he has already claimed the extra seat. He informs you that HE is leaving and you can homeschool his friend’s children as well as your own. You both know he’ll never beat you to the car but he will try.

At the end of this glorious day, you will inform your children that they must go to bed early because you will be waking them at 4 a.m. for Kids’ Day. They will be thrilled. Your daughter will stay up until midnight doing homework because that’s life. Your son will stay up reading…..because he can. You will go to bed and set two alarms because you’re exhausted.

At 4 a.m. you will awaken and find two groggy children. You will put your bra on backwards and head out the door. You will head to the pick-up destination where you will all find your instructions, your aprons, and your newspapers. As you pull up, you will notice the parking lot curiously empty. You will then realize, this isn’t Kids’ Day. You are a week EARLY for KIDS’ DAY. You will realize instead, this is Idiots’ Day. And you heartily congratulate yourself. You won.

You feed the less-than-happy children, send them back to bed, and go to bed yourself. But you will not sleep. Your husband’s alarm will begin to go off at 5:30 and he will hit the snooze eight times.

You spend your time in productive murder plots but decide to blog instead before leaving for choir, shopping, homeschooling, and making dinner for a friend. You will realize in a last, desperate, choking realization, you forgot to get the phone number of the departing wife.

The End

©Copyright 2010

Photo Courtesy of: The Collegiate CSUF

31 comments:

  1. Hey Robynn,
    I think I already won that prize! Blue ribbon and everything that goes with it.
    I am so glad you are feeling better though.
    I can tell by your story and writing.
    Have a great day.
    Pam

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  2. You poor poor baby. You can run away to my house this evening and sew w/me if you want! I'll even provide beverages of your choice...and chocolate!

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  3. HI! Good to see you. Wish it was under better conditions. I've won Idiots Day before. At least no lives were lost. There is a rainbow, maybe? I like it that while you are upbeat, you aren't pooping rainbows, instead the sarcasm feeds my soul. Hope tomorrow is better.

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  4. You only one Idiot's Day a month? Wow...I'm really an idiot...we have them once a week here! I win!

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  5. I know I shouldn't laugh, but I am!
    I will now kindly ask you to bring Wild Man when I see you in April, because I'm dying to see what the Old Guy was like as a kid. (Yes, my friend, they don't grow out of it.)

    And do NOT - I repeat, Do NOT mix your days up on the 24th... you HEAR me?
    I've never seen an actual "crazy woman" before, and I'm sooo looking forward to this!
    Please don't disappoint me! ;-P

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  6. Oh can I ever commiserate... can't beat you, admittedly... but empathize... completely! And you have squashed all hope that the writhing and moaning and flailing about when it comes to doing Math with my 9 year old, will truly be anything but that.

    I hope the pain eases and that Idiot day is just a passing phase :) Although, your humor certainly is as razor sharp as ever!!

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  7. ROFL! Thanks so much for posting this. I know in the middle of it all it's hard to laugh, but it is funny afterward. :-)Some days I feel like I need the other woman's phone number as well. :-D

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  8. I've only got one question: does she have internet access in her car? Because we need your humor to get through our days, Robynn! It's so nice to have you back, and congratulations on your win! It's so well deserved!! :-)

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  9. Bahahahahaha!! And, Oh, I'm so sorry!! With sleep being such precious valued comodity too! Well you had yourself pulled together today famously; I would have never known! Hey, you can log that under "Life preparedness"! LOVE YOU

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  10. Oh dear. Please dont be offended by loud and raucous laughter as I read this post... oh dear. Must mop the eyes. Now. Sleep tight tonight, and rest assured that you have done us all a huge favour.... made us laugh AGAIN.
    Hugs. Oh dear. Still giggling. xxxx

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  11. The only thing I can think of to say is that I believe this is the best blog post ever written. Amen.

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  12. Classic! From someone who gets nominated for that Idiot Award on a weekly basis ... ME! Love you and your great sense of humor regardless of the circumstances.

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  13. Congratulations! Do you get a prize? Apple dumpling from Cracker Barrel? Extra laundry? What?

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  14. Excellent. I wish I could nominate you for an award. Or give you a prize.
    Can you home-school me please?
    Although I find using home-school as a verb in conflict with my predispositions, so I will not be an easy student.

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  15. Oh my,.... for me that would go beyond "idiot's day"... i think after that day prior I would be in a corner rocking in a pre-natal postion. If you ever want to run away from home for a while just head east!

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  16. I wanted to reply to the comment you left on my blog, but no email came with it. Too bad. So I'll have to reply here. :)
    I'm so glad you made the cookies. They are my favorite now! Until a better comes along. :) Thanks for stopping by my blog.

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  17. This is so funny - thank you! You also get the additional prizes of "Most Hilarious Idiot", and "Best Blogger Idiot".
    But your readers are the REAL winners! Thanks again!

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  18. Thank you for this blog -- so so funny. I'm glad I'm not the only one with those days and with those family members (and no Pam, I don't mean you :D ). Plus, its nice to be done with homeschooling -- now if my son will just get some sleep at a reasonable time and get to work on time.

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  19. Do you have a link to your friends blog? The baby is doing great! She has been sleeping through the night for a couple of months now. You should check out our school blog too. I posted some new pics of all the children on there and she is on there too. The link is in my sidebar right under my profile. :-)

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  20. Oh goodness.. so sorry to hear about your day! We've all been there and back... but perhaps not quite as hilariously as you have!

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  21. Oh sweet Sister...I don't know if I should feel sorry for you or laugh? I think it's a little of both and only because I can so relate! I would say to use your calendar more often and look at it daily, but when you homeschool AND run the rest of the community, it all runs together. Right?

    Call it a dry run... you needed to make sure you knew where you were going and that you could make it there on time!
    Afterall, you obviously don't know where your calendar is! Hee Hee
    Love ya, thanks for making me laugh and to know I'm not alone!
    I'll be praying for you on Tuesday!

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  22. BAH HA HA CHuCkLe Snort!!!!

    I'm so glad you are feeling ever so much better.

    Linda
    http://coloradofarmlife.wordpress.com/

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  23. Idiot's days doesn't sound at all fun. There wasn't even any cake! I think Idiot's Day should at least have cake.

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  24. Sass you should have called... You read my Idoit's Night entry that I won with and you know that even if I am asleep and you do call I can always go back to sleep or not, depending whether I feel we have figured out and taken care of all of our world's problems...

    I love you Sass and you can call and talk idiot-ology any time!

    Helen

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  25. Question: That day you put your bra on backwards...did anyone try and pat you on the back? Lol!

    This is literary genius - you get an award for making me smile when things are a bit upside down here too!

    Cheers - Joolz

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  26. Hello, dear Rob!!! Laughing all the way through because I've been there and done that...and I'm still going insane ;-) I think I need to call you so we can cry into the phone receivers simultaneously!!! You are hilarious and so very creative...what a wonderful way to present this!!!! Love the use of second person...You are terrific!!! Love you so much! Janine XO

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  27. I think we should lobby congress to make "Idiots Day" an official national holiday.

    We could all sign a petition and then make a march on the nations capitol.

    We would of course all wind up marching on the wrong day while wearing our cloth inside out and locking our keys in the car while it is still running as our cell phone are ringing in the freezer because that's where we left them when we were putting the groceries away and we realize that we drove off and left the milk under the cart in the parking lot.

    From one idiot to another, I think we are in good company!

    Blessings
    R

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  28. Robynn, I'm speechless! How do you manage? Actually I know how you do it--only through the grace of God, right?

    Your writing is clever and funny, but reading between the lines has convicted me. I should be praying for you!

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  29. Robynn, Oh my gosh! Only you could tell it in such hysterical fashion. Thanks for blogging!!! Love you!

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