Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The Bottom Line

Greetings friends and hello from the deadbeat vacationing author of this blog. It truly has been a near Tibetan monk retreat time. You may or may not have noticed my absence on your blogs and even my complete avoidance of email connection. In true Tibetan style I have chosen to eschew the modern trappings of electronic communication and have, instead, immersed myself in unbridled electronic entertainment - oh, and books.

I have become addicted to Monarch of The Glen, a lovely BBC series the whole family is now unreasonably invested in, reveled in Cranford with Judith Dench, buried my nose in Two Years Before The Mast which I’m nearly reading at traffic lights due to utter fascination (and the idea of a nearly empty California which baffles the mind of this California citizen – one among 37 million), and have consumed yet more books on healthy eating, organic food growing, and politics, while falling even more in love with author Michael Pollan and Polyface Farms owner, Joel Salatin.

It has been a lovely retreat and, frankly, I think I look great in the vibrant colors and jaunty hat. (Unfortunately, I was JUST out of the frame on the right there.)

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Now I come to you on the eve of an event I knew you wouldn’t want to miss: my colonoscopy.

Yes, that’s right saddle pals. It’s time to once again purposely inflict upon my person nausea and epic evacuations, all in the name of health. Oxymoronic though it may seem, I will chug volumes of nasty tasting salt cocktails whilst rendering myself permanently adhered to the porcelain throne. If you’ve never read Dave Barry’s account of this marvelous adventure, I encourage you to click http://www.miamiherald.com/dave_barry/story/427603.html.

But don’t eat or drink while reading or you could cause severe damage to yourself or your computer. Especially if you’re prepping for a colonoscopy. The damage could even include others.

You may remember Katie Couric, in near Jules Verne style, grinning at us in her drug-induced stupor atop a hospital gurney while inviting us to go journeying into her “center of the earth,” as it were. We were treated to pictures of her cavernous insides so that we, too, might see how simple this procedure is to endure. No offense, Katie, and I know your heart was in the right place (I think I saw it), but big deal. It’s not that phase that’s really the problem. Please feel free to bring cameras along and don your headgear for the spelunking part of my adventure tomorrow. I’ll be like you, blissfully drunken, or if I’m really lucky, knocked out. But where were the cameras and where were you (like we don’t know) during the PREP part of this mission? Not nearly as filmable. We all know how that part works:

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I knew you wouldn’t want to miss this deeply important aspect of my life so, out of the goodness of my heart and typical thoughtfulness, I return to include you.

I don’t know. Maybe this was a crappy idea.




© Copyright 2010

Photos Courtesy of: Flikr/Wallpapers Desktodesk

26 comments:

  1. OhMYGeees... you are SO full of puns (or are you now?!? hee hee)- you crack me up.
    :-)
    Best wishes for a good ..(ahem) outcome.
    *
    ha! ...my word verif: "batha" ...said in Italiano... "Your gonna needa 'batha' soon."
    :-)

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  2. No one could make colonoscopy prep so entertaining!

    We've missed you, but glad to hear you were recharging the batteries.

    Hope it goes well tomorrow.

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  3. Oh Missy .. wipe that expletive deleted grin off your face ..

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  4. And you're back in perfect humorous form! Oh how I've missed giggling with abandon at each and every tale you tell! Only YOU could make a colonoscopy sound funny! Thinking of you, and laughing a bit, but hope all goes well!

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  5. There you are!! And, back with an "explosion" of fun. :-) Hope it goes as well as it can go...

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  6. crappy idea? Now I'm laughing out loud. Only you, my dear friend, would think of that word at this time. Lovin' it! Missed you a lot, but know vacations are always a good thing. I'm sure you will survive tomorrow's party. Keep smiling!

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  7. ...I know your heart was in the right place (I think I saw it)...
    That is the line of the decade. You are so funny.
    It almost makes me want one too. Ya right.

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  8. I'll be thinking of you and being glad it's not me! LOL

    Honestly, i wish you lots of luck!

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  9. I really enjoy your blog--Glad you're back!! THANKS for providing me with a much (much!) needed grin in the middle of a very cold week!! Hope everything comes out okay! ;-))))) !!!

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  10. Your computer rest has not dulled your sharp wit!!! Perfect! Love your clincher!!! This was humor crafted in its finest form...I will not say, finest hours...because I sure they were not...poor dahhhlink... I'm sorry you had to endure it...after all, I think colonoscopy prep makes Mammograms seem tame by comparison...But as always,your wit shines through the worst of conditions...And we are laughing with you! You are extraordinary, my dear Robynn...simply extraordinary!!! Love you so much!!! Have missed you!!! So very glad you are baaaaaaaaack!!!! And with a vengeance...and I'm not talking Montezuma's ;-) Love you girl!!! Janine XOXO

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  11. I've missed you! I can't think of anything witty to add...except maybe Have Fun!

    Hope it reveals perfect health.

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  12. Film colonoscopy prep? What? Why? Oh how I want to just escape the house when my husband has been subjected to this procedure more times than I can remember since he's had to have them more than the annual or less with this digestive troubles. SPARE THE WORLD! And yes in the words of my hubby " The procedure is a picnic compared to the nightmare the prep is!"
    Praying for your family as you prep girl:-)!!!!!! I hope you have 2 Thrones!
    Now aside from your colon.......
    WELCOME BACK dear friend.
    I didn't remove myself from blogging, etc...since my son was home and we stream lined my blog,with behind the scene changes, made it load faster, jazzed it up with new features, drop downs, and I learned a ton.

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  13. Yes, only you could make this event funny. Good luck and swift recovery. Cause while the prep may be awful, I'm guessing the afterwards is pretty painful too. My sister did her first one at age 22 or something. Her grandma died of colon cancer. All stories point towards a funny sedated person until afterwards when the "cloud" of farts followed her.

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  14. Robynn, welcome home! I too enjoyed your sharp wit regarding this nasty procedure. I must say, though, I REALLY enjoyed the Verced aftermath. For about two days I was "blissed out." I see why they say not to sign any important papers for 24 hours afterwards. But the prep? Hideous!

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  15. Welcome back, I missed you!
    I wanted to say have fun, but someone beat me to it!

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  16. Nice to have you back...hope you enjoyed your time away!!!

    The test will be done and over with before you know it...right???

    Cheers

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  17. Yes, Licia and I know each other, although it's been almost 10 years so I don't know if she'd remember me. She would like that bumper sticker!

    I'll have to double check and see if we're FB friends.

    Good luck, tomorrow.

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  18. Reading and not blogging! Not allowed, dear Robynn.
    I'm sooo glad you are back...and in full swing, I see.
    Colonoscopy... The word itself makes one's bottom just draw up thinking about it. I say that in jest...because...I had one, and my hubby had one. I got mine done first...and loved it! I know. I know! I'm not right. (I didn't like drinking the Go Litely...Who named that!!)...but the procedure itself...a piece of cake...loved the lighting in the room....loved the music....loved the medicine (I guess it's called drugs)...and don't remember a thing about it...except that when I came out of the procedure room, I was awake, happy as a lark...sitting up on the guerny, and whistled at my husband who was down the hall trying to act like he didn't know who I was.) So, as you can tell, I don't take many meds. When I do...they must like me...
    I do wish you the best on your colonoscopy. I think everyone and I mean EVERYONE over the age of 50 should have one. They do save lives.
    You are one funny lady...and I am happy to see you back, Robynn.
    P.S. I think I saw the shadow of you in the photo....juuuust to the right...like you said. Gotta stay in the middle of the frame, gurl!
    Smiles,
    Jackie

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  19. Waaaaah ... what a way to start the new year! You crack me up with the colon funnies! Hope it all goes well. ;-)

    Monarch of the Glen ... I'm so glad I can say I told you so!!! And when are we booking our trip to Scotland? And I got Cranford on DVD too ... can't wait to watch it! And Michael Pollan is on my nightstand. Which is probably derived from corn ... ugh! How 'bout that?

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  20. Oh, now that one came out of the blue!! Love it. PLEASE blog about the, er, outcome, as soon as you can??? Still giggling as I write. xxxxxx

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  21. It's my year for the big plunge. I have to bite the bullet and get the colonoscopy schedule for this year. There is a history of colon cancer on my husbands side of the family so he is a seasoned pro at it, but I will say that I am not looking forward to the experience. But I have a very dear friend who is a Colan cancer survivor and she will ring my neck if I do not get it done soon.

    I hope all goes well for you.

    I so understand where you are coming from with the books. I have been putting off starting a book because I know once I pick it up I will not be able to focus on anything else until I finish it, But it is good to unplug from time to time.

    Blessings from the other Robin

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  22. Oh my goodness - so funny! Hope the journey to your centre went well! I guess you've started the year in arrears - as it were! ;-)

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  23. Hey there! I just saw your comment on Amy's blog about wanting to contact me. I just did a makeover on my design site,you must have clicked on it while I was working on the links. It's live now!

    http://www.dirtandlacedesigns.com

    Stephanie

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  24. Oh Lordy... I've got one scheduled for 2 weeks from now, but after that little "tour" I think you've scared the sh** out of me. Ah well, it saves on movi-prep, I guess!
    See, if we had just had some salsa with the Lord's chips, we both could have by-PASSED the whole thing, eh?
    Toast, m'dear?

    (my word-veri?? scerasst! roflmao!!)

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  25. You are braver than I, I can't get myself to do this thing, although I know I should. I really do know I should.

    Sigh!

    Linda
    http://coloradofarmlife.wordpress.com/

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