Thursday, July 2, 2009

Welcome Back My Friend to the Show that Never Ends!


I have so many useless fascinating things to tell you that I absolutely couldn't get started. Pay attention now. Raptly. Pay rapt attention. What a weird word. Where the heck does THAT come from?

Hold on.....I'm looking it up........okay, here it is....."from the latin 'raptus'.....to carry off, seize......synonyms: ecstatic, spellbound, bewitched. Also having to do with a gift giving tradition: 'I rapt your presunt cuz I coodnt find a gift bhag.' Additionally, has been used to describe a mind-numbing form of lyrical quasi-melody - Rapt Music - most glorified through massive misogyny, i.e., 'I get my kicks from beatin' chicks, but only those with a great big booty, who think I'm fine though I got no looty.' "

I may have mixed some usages as well as spellings. Disregard the former directive to pay attention. Do not pay anything in the way of attention. You would be wise to click over to the other blog you wanted to read now.

Do you see how troubled I am?

First, there was the little fact of leaving paradise at 7500 feet in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. Remote camping, no one around for miles, days of 65-70 degree weather, pristine air, crisp nights. And then there was driving down the mountain and descending into Hades, aka as Fresno, average summer temperature: 158 degrees. We came in on one of the cooler days at only 108.

After that came my directive to everyone to put everything away that didn't need to be washed.

One sock went into one drawer.

I have four hundred loads of laundry to do. Well, that's a lie. I've done four loads. That makes 396. I'm more encouraged now that I see it in print. Every sleeping bag - and we took eight because there are four of us - and all blankets we've ever owned (and a few I could swear we were only considering at the store) must be de-dirted, de-smoked, de-haired, and de-sapped. De-sgusting. But wait! There's no time for all THAT......hurry and get your daughter to her de-tooth appointment!

But not before you turn in final transcripts to the college! Yes, that's right! How did you forget THAT little tidbit? What? The transcripts I turned in don't include her graduation date? Do you think she did this complete four years and 28 college units just for fun? Doesn't it LOOK like she would have graduated? But of course, we would love to resubmit them in the corrected form, you darling, you (truly, couldn't have been sweeter about it, darn it).

And oh yes!! What was I thinking?! How in the WORLD did I forget to fill out the FAFSA (financial aid) even though we won't qualify for grants and subsidies for college? We are the working middle-class. But I have exactly 12 hours to get it done before the cut-off date for the entire year (and possible exclusion from other scholarship opportunities, you Raving Robynn dunder head!) and I am so happy to sit down and look at financial information for several hours because it's actually my hobby. I love numbers. That's why I'm a writer.

And oh, thank you! A flaming arrow to the eyeball from someone who not-so-subtly criticizes the amount of time I spend writing. To some, it's kind of a useless hobby unless you get paid a gazillion dollars. And you can't get paid a gazillion dollars unless you hone your craft. So I write and duck. Encouragement! It's a gift!

And what's that daughter? But of COURSE we must go shopping for special food you will need for your non-chewing recovery. How did I forget that? This will undoubtedly disqualify me for that "Mom of the Year" award I was coveting.

And yes, you smart-alec dentist billing diva tersely informing me the bill will be more than you originally advised. If you use the term "We alREADY have to write-off our NORMAL charges" one more time, I may remove YOUR teeth without the benefit of anesthesia. Your use of the word "write-off" represents a poor command of the English language and reveals your loose grip on reality. It is, in fact, what you agree to with our insurance company in order to get the business they send your way. It is actually the amount you will receive for doing thirty minutes of work - $1800. That's right - start to finish - anesthesia to empty sockets - thirty minutes - I couldn't believe it when they called my name to collect my daughter. That's $3600 dollars an hour to you and me, Mr. and Mrs. Average Person. If you do not feel $3600 dollars an hour is adequate compensation, please take it up with your boss, the DEVIL. And do not attempt to further admonish me. I am a dangerous woman with 396 loads of laundry waiting at home.

And what? Now? My back goes out? Ice-heat-ice-heat-ice-heat. Housekeeping going rapidly downhill.

And poor daughter! In pain, throwing up, miserable. Ice-ice-ice for daughter. Call the doctor at 11:30 p.m. He is very nice and has no tone. He KNOWS he makes $3600 dollars an hour. He is a happy man.

Of course, my son! Let me drive you to your sleepover! I'm sorry I'm an hour late in delivering you. What was I thinking, doing, annihilating? Let's go! Isn't life exciting?!!! I'm so sorry you can't take the X-Box 360 with you. It costs a lot of money you cannot afford if you should drop it. And your dad and I don't want you playing video games for the ENTIRE visit like you did with your friend at our house last time because you couldn't walk after attempting to remove your complete knee-cap in a wondrous boy adventure! Wasn't that fun?! I sure hope you have ANOTHER one of those marvelous male moments! LOVE YOU! Bye-Bye!!

What daughter? Are your teeth (well, sockets, to be exact) okay? Are you ill? Why are you calling while I'm taking your brother? Oh? We have company coming by? Oh, isn't that just the best? Oh, no really! She's a darling girl and we love her and it is so sweet of her to think of you. But did you buy mommy an hour so I could hose out the house? What? You didn't? Oh, that's alright. Nothing bothers me. I'm so easy-going. I still feel like I'm on vacation!

There you have it. We're all "rapt" up in life just now. And I've been a tad crabby in the sense that an alligator can grow slightly impatient if you continually pull his tail, gouge his eyeballs with a stick, and remove steak from his mouth during the chewing/swallowing process . But I'm moving out..................................OH! of it, OF IT! (sorry I was daydreaming there for a second), and feeling positively effervescent. And I KNEW you'd want to share in my ebullation. Is that a word?

Hold on, I'll check.

28 comments:

  1. Oh dear.

    Allow me to sing you a song...

    Chin up, chin up
    Everybody loves a happy face
    Wear it, share it
    It’ll brighten up the darkest place
    Twinkle, sparkle
    Let a little sunshine in
    You’ll be on the right side
    Looking at the bright side
    Up with your chinny chin chin…

    Chin up, chin up
    Put a little laughter in your eyes
    Brave it, save it
    Even though you’re feeling otherwise
    Rise up, wise up
    Make a little smile begin
    You’ll be happy hearted
    Once you get it started
    Up with your chinny chin chin!

    Chin up, chin up
    Everybody loves a happy face
    Wear it, share it
    It’ll brighten up the darkest place
    Twinkle, sparkle
    Let a little sunshine in
    You’ll be on the right side
    Looking at the bright side
    Up with your chinny chin chin…

    Chin down, you can’t come frowning
    Turn around
    Starting, clowning
    Think sad
    Your troubles double
    Think glad
    They burst like bubbles

    Chin up, chin up
    Every little time your spirits wilt
    Chin up, chin up
    Give your attitude an upward tilt
    Twinkle, sparkle
    Make a little fun begin
    You’ll be on the right side
    Looking at the bright side
    Up with your chinny chin
    Chin up!


    Ok, I totally feel like kicking myself in the teeth after that bit of cheerfulness, but in this house, when someone is down or grumpy, that's what I sing to them. So there! CHIN UP LADY! Love ya! Awesome writing, as always!

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  2. Lol. Bless your heart. I like Naomi's comment. Chin up buttercup! I have 400 loads of laundry also, and I HAVEN'T been on vacation. Says alot about my housekeeper, doesn't it? Oh yeah, that's right, I don't have a house keeper! Those darn laundry fairies must be on strike again. Hope Hannah Bo is feeling better!

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  3. Oh dear. Hugs! I hope you and Bo start feeling better soon!

    As far as FAFSA is concerned, I don't know what you are going on about...it is FUN!! It is on my " Kelly loves to do" list right there under pulling my toenails out with pliers. Yup, THAT kind of fun!

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  4. Glad you're back......and thanks for the comment over at my 'place.'

    Looks like you had a good time on your vacation, but when you returned to civilization, you landed with both feet already running 100 mph! LOL

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  5. I had to laugh about filling out the FAFSa forms. Isn't that ridiculous? We have the same problem. You have to fill it out each semester even though you don't qualify. We don't qualify either. LOL

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  6. The vacation sounded heavenly. Ugh, so hard to come home.

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  7. You have my sympathies. All of them.
    Kill the heat on your back, it just aggravates more, trust me, I know ALL about the back issues. Ice and Ibuprofen or just steal all Bo's good drugs...LOL. I am just kidding, maybe. Oh, and it could be worse. To remove the little issue I have on my foot...$12,000. Yep. I typed it right.

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  8. Back to your FAFSA, girl! Quit checkin out my salads! :) Just kidding.

    You can make even the most harried rotten day funny...what a gift! Stick with the writing; it's workin for ya!

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  9. Nice to have you back...but I'm sure you were wishing you stayed on the mountain and hibernated for a while longer!!!!!
    You...crabby like an abused alligator...I would be too if someone pulled my tail, poked me in the eye with a stick and took the food right out of my mouth...go ahead be crabby if that is what you are feeling...I know it won't last long!!! :0)

    Cheers

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  10. oh my...oh my... Well...I guess welcome back?? ;o) lol...sorry, i'm giggling...

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  11. I agree with Kaleena's comment... my laundy fairies must be on too.

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  12. Oh, you're hysterical! Even funnier when a tad crabby with flaming arrows rapt in your eyeballs!

    Hope that back of yours holds out... Was going to hope for your sanity, but too late, I see! ;-)

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  13. Oh my,.. how can several hours of totally whacked out life be so funny? Because it's YOU, Robynn writing about it! You are amazing. Hope your back is feeling better, I'm sure Bo's doing better by now, too. If you want to run away from home for a few days come on over,.. well, it's all the way across the country, but you know,... welcome mat is out!

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  14. Even in your stressed out, I have too much on my plate-mode, you are hilarious! So glad to see your humor gets you through!

    How funny to hear about the torture of the FAFSA when it was like CHRISTMAS to me :) It was one of the only times I felt no shame in disclosing our meager earnings knowing it opened doors for all kinds of assistance... it made college a possibility for me...

    Missed you too, so glad to have your voice back amongst us!

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  15. 4 wisdom teeth $1800 = $450 a tooth which I have to tell you is exactly what it costs here unless you go to a dentist who takes insurance and then the co-pay is $300 ...

    I was rapt .. honest ..

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  16. OMGosh!

    I've had weeks like that, deeply troubled indeed! but also very funny!

    Blessings
    Robin

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  17. What? COMPANY!!!! We won't take that as an insult, promise! Can't imagine your laundry after more then a week of camping. Our laundry was, oops, IS outrageous after only a weekend. We've been home 5 days and it's still not done. Yikes! Rest yourself today, you have parties to attend you know, I hope you're looking forward to them! :-P Oh I do love you!

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  18. I need one of those signs. Your life actually sounds wonderful, kids at home still driving you crazy, errands to do, chores do to and the never ending chaos of family life. Wait until your an old lady like me and the kids are grown and it's so, so quiet.
    But still I remember how it felt to be always running around and never getting caught up.
    Glad you are back. You were missed.

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  19. Robynn, I've been pondering what wise and comforting words I might write, if only to let you know that "I feel your pain" (well, not exactly, but your last posting sounded like a day in my life ... uh, insanity. But fear not, I think I have found such the right words of inspiration. "If you sometimes feel a little useless, offended or depressed ... Always remember that YOU were once the fastest and most victorious little sperm out of millions!" ha, my word veri is LOGICIZ ... seems logiciz to me!!

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  20. Welcome home! Remember...there is no place like home!

    Hope you are down to 392 loads of laundry by now.

    Have a great weekend.
    Pam

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  21. Although life for you sounds more hectic than being a long tail cat in a room full of rockers, I'm glad you got away to visit Mother Nature and all of her grandeur... I believe one of the best things one can do for their children.
    Glad you had a good time. Hope you daughter is healing up well and that all feel a little more...?? ...different perspective since visiting the Grand outdoors (this, of course, coming form a nature-nut).
    Do take care.

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  22. Oh my gosh, please move in the house that's for sale down the street from me. You have the best sense of humor, and your writing actually makes me cry from laughing so hard. The line about the devil for a boss still has me laughing, but the one about needing an hour to HOSE out the house ... well, that's a keeper for sure. Gosh, I just luv ya. (In a good way, not a weird stalking way.) Oh man, you should have your own TV sitcom! "One sock went into one drawer" ... I just love that! And I'm going to use the "flaming arrow" line soon, I'm sure! Gosh, I'm still laughing! :-)

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  23. Oh, totally forgot to mention that I totally want the Crazy Woman sign. It's now my favorite. My old favorite was one on an enourmous highway exit sign that said, and I quote, "Butthead City"! HA! Oh man, I laughed for miles after seeing that exit sign! I think it was supposed to read Bullhead City, but some enthusiastic youths did an amazing reflective tape job changing the double L's to double T's.!

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  24. Robynn,

    That was a trip!!!!!
    Happy 4th of July!

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  25. just have a cup of tea and a lie down,love.
    http://bestjoanne.info/
    popping in from the bloghop hi.!

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  26. Oh!! I'm only laughing with you! Dear Robyn...Do you live in my house??? Are we related?

    Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone in this crazy life.

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  27. Hey All Y'all!

    Thanks for loving me and putting up with my craziness.

    It IS called Robynn's RAVINGS after all. You kind of knew you were in for it, I guess. :)

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  28. It's cheap therapy, writing a blog. ü

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