Sunday, May 3, 2009

"Ima Dud" by C.U. Less.........

I like to laugh. Did you know that?

What I don't like, yea, even DETEST is to be a project.


Consequently, I have wrestled with whether to simply be absent without explanation - is that A.W.O.E. (as is "Eh, WOE is me?) - or do I have enough confidence in our relationship to let you into my world? Will I cause you to think of me as morose, a flop, a pariah, the one to avoid at parties because all they can talk about is themselves and their latest malady?

It has been my privilege to know people with the direst, even fatal, health issues who, when you visited them, managed to minister to you and leave you with a smile. Obviously, that was not true on those really awful days that serious illness invariably brings and then it was my privilege to try and offer comfort. But as soon as they could, they were encouraging others and drawing attention away from themselves. This seems to have everything to do with their measure of faith. They see life in the bigger picture. They know where they're going when they transition out of this visible world. My level of illness, in its present form, does not seem to threaten my life and yet no one can give me a prognosis.

I struggle with a nerve disease that causes me small muscle loss and rotten pain at times. It is idiopathic meaning, after countless doctors and tests, they have no idea what causes it. It is progressive. So far (eleven years) it has been slow most of the time, though never leaving me pain free or without symptoms. Occasionally, for no known reason, it rachets up and just takes out muscles at will and leaves me wiped out. It affects my legs, feet, tongue, soft palate, and throat. For the last three weeks it has been escalating.

I have done what I can but the medicines that help to make the pain tolerable cannot be handled by my body. A response within me causes my body to build porphyrins when I take them. Porphyrins are a blood byproduct everyone makes and most people can clear, but I can't very easily. These porphyrins have the potential to cause further nerve trauma, as well as liver and spleen damage. I've gone through two of those episodes already and they left me very ill and pretty wiped.

The pain is intense at times and I am only able to squeeze out four or five hours of broken sleep at night, for weeks on end. That, of course, makes things worse and the cycle continues. My throat is most affected right now making me feel like swallowing is difficult - and my feet and legs feel as though I've laid them on the barbeque. Not a pleasant sensation.

And I wish it didn't but emotional upset strains my system and always increases symptoms. (One reason I love the upbeat and like to laugh!)

Friday night, I came up against a man in our circle who is in charge of some important functions. He made decisions directed at me which caused me to miss a pivotal night in my daughter's life. It was a night I had longingly anticipated for many years and had dreamt of enjoying. The moment passed and it is gone to me forever. What's done is done. But it did not pass without my grieving it and spending a goodly amount of time in tears. And, of course, that made all my symptoms worse.

I did get test results back from the doctor and have been given some instructions that are time consuming. This will cause me to have to take a little time away from blogging. That means I may not visit you nearly as often as my heart would desire though I will post as much as I can. If my failure to visit you would keep you from visiting me as well, I completely understand. The blogging world is symbiotic and we all try to support one another. I won't be able to keep up with my part for a bit. I will drop in sometimes and as often as I can but it won't be nearly as often as I want to. Please forgive me in advance. I love all of you and truly look forward to reading each of your posts. All together you compile the most fantastic magazine that exists!

Anyway, just think. With any luck, you skimmed this article and missed most of the ridiculous details. Had we been at a party together, I would have had you backed into a corner and you would have been longing for a meteor to land on the house. Now you are free to run away screaming.

I promise to be back with my attempts to entertain you and TRULY TRULY do not intend to, nor do I WANT to talk about my health. Who of us doesn't struggle with SOMEthing (as I've said before)? Life is hard at times. But it is also RICH! Thank you for loving me and visiting me and please know that you are one of the brightest spots in my life and I PROMISE not to make my health a regular feature. It may bore me even more than it does you! (Okay, I realize that is NOT possible. Insert retraction here.)

MUCH Love,

Robynn

Copyright 2009

56 comments:

  1. Awww, don't feel bad! Everyone has health stuff, and it doesn't make you boring or a project to complain about it every once in a while. I just posted a huge long complainy rant about pregnancy woes...and I'm certainly not the only one in the world with THAT problem!

    Your friends will understand and are happy to listen. I hope things get a little better for you soon!

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  2. My dear Robynn,... you may rant, vent, explain or whatever anytime to me. I will still be here with you reading your blog whenever you post. Do not worry about commenting on my blog,... do so only when you are feeling well enough. You are one of the highlights of my morning at the computer.... I will miss you and wait for your retun. Until then do whatever you need to do to roll with these health punches,.. I wish i was just down the block so I could show up and do your dishes, vacuum your floors or whatever to help you. Hang in there!

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  3. Robynn, I wish there was something I could do or say so help you with your illness. I am sorry you are going through this. I look forward to your posts and will remain as long as you can type. Gentle hugs.

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  4. If my failure to visit you would keep you from visiting me as well, I completely understand. (((hugs)))...awwww...I keep hearing in my spirit..are you visiting so they will visit you? NO NO NO..I visit you because I'm drawn here, to spend some time with you, hang out with you...So if you don't visit me,,don't worry,,I'm come runnin, to see you again. Winter, spring summer or fall, all you have to do is call, and I'll be there, yes I will..to see you again....lol

    Keep pouring out your heart girl...people will come!!!

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  5. Ok, I love ya even more now! Not that I am glad you're dealing with this illness but I am glad that you've trusted us with it.

    My illness is a part of who I am - it's not who I am though. So I do understand that you don't want your illness to be your focus. But I can pray now in a way that I didn't even know was necessary.

    Never do I expect you to come visiting - don't give that a second thought. Praying right now that God would overwhelm you with His supernatural peace and bring some relief in symptoms.

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  6. From one dud to another,I'll be waiting for your return and amuse myself with past ranting's..Be well;)

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  7. Robynn, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Please take time to rest and get well. Mother Theresa was fond of saying "I know the Lord does not give me more than I can handle ... I just wish sometimes He didn't trust me so much!!" Things WILL get better ... Hugs

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  8. Talk about your health any time you want to! I'll read, and keep on reading. You've been there for me, and girl, I'll be there for you!

    Sending love, and healing thoughts and prayers!

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  9. Robynn~ Dittos from what all else have said... Plus, I, for one, am glad you weren't as funny today (Ima Dudd by C.U.Less was hysterical though)... but, Life and your average person aren't funny all the time. For me, you become more ?? real (I KNOW you're 'real')..but, people relate better when they are more like another... and let me tell you, NO one if funny all -or even near all- the time. So, I am glad when the writings aim isn't always humor ...just my liking here, I like balance. Plus, knowing you can just write without thinking of or adding the quip takes some pressure off and then just YOU comes through... and I like that.
    Do take it easy.
    *
    p.s. I am sorry you missed such an important event.

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  10. Butterfly (my mother) signs all her emails BCNU. Are you two related? I'm sorry you are feeling so bad and I know how it is when your bod gets you down and you can't even write. When a writer can't write, you know it's BAD! Hang in there - you shall not be abandoned by any of us!

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  11. Hope you feel better soon. I'll miss you. Be well. Don't worry about the symbiotic relationship, most will still be here.

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  12. Robynn, I come here for YOU. Mad, sad, funny, hurt, broken, well, unwell. It's part of the blogger oath, "In good times, and in bad, in sickness and in health." Um or something like that :)

    Please be well! We'll all be here hootin and hollerin, happy to have you back when you are ready :)

    I'll miss you while you are gone, but love you always!! I'll also keep you in my prayers...

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  13. Hey Robynn,
    I know you are tough stuff! Just do whatever it takes to feel better.
    Good thought all the way from Georgia(if it takes too long to get there, I can saddle up Jack)LOL..
    Hang in there.
    Pam

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  14. Your ability to be vulnerable whether you are making us laugh or sharing your health concerns is what makes us keep reading. You are in my prayers today. So sorry about Friday night...just don't understand that one!

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  15. Robynn, I enjoy reading your blog so much and just because you are dealing with something doesn't mean I will go away. I will add you to my prayer list and you need to just focus on taking care of what you need to do to feel better.

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  16. Dearest Robynn...you could NEVER be a project OR a bore...as I've said before, YOU are a personality!!!! And as is evident from the comments left here, I'm NOT the only one who thinks so...EVERY ONE of us loves you, and will continue to visit even if you don't visit us...we just love reading your fun, beautiful, and yes, even your sad thoughts!!!! After all, this blog is called Robynn's Ravings...we knew up front what we were getting...LOL! Love to you, my dear friend...Take care of beautiful you! You are in my prayers, as always, Janine XO

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  17. Robynn, So sorry to hear you are not doing well, take a break , we'll still be here for ya and watching, praying, reading from afar!

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  18. Robynn,
    I will miss your bloggins, but everyone needs to take a break now and then regardless of an illness. I wish I could take your pain away, but I know that God works through pain. I will pray for your healing.

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  19. "With any luck, you skimmed this article and missed most of the ridiculous details. Had we been at a party together, I would have had you backed into a corner and you would have been longing for a meteor to land on the house ..."

    What illness? You still made me laugh. ;)

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  20. You know, it never occurred to me to stop visiting the people who don't visit me. In fact, most of the people I read NEVER stop by to read me. I read people, including you, because I find you interesting. While I LOVE it when people return the favor, I also don't force the issue. People are here because they like to hear what you have to say, all of it, not just the funny stuff. Hang in there.

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  21. Pain is pain. It is hard to prtetend it isn't there even when you have to live with it every day.
    Our standing joke here is that the day we wake up without pain we are probably dead.

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  22. Robynn, we are here, whenever you can return. Take very good care of yourself, and know that we love you back just as much.

    Jen

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  23. We understand Robynn....and will always be here for you! I hope you are feeling better soon.

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  24. Thank you all so much. I HATE THIS!! I want to be sitting here doing what I do and will be very soon I'm sure. I'll try and get a post up tomorrow. You don't know how much your kind words and prayers mean to me! I MISS YOU!!

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  25. I'll still keep checking you ... don't worry, I'm annoying like that. Love you bunches and you're always in my prayers!

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  26. I love you, Auntie Robb. You will be in my prayers.
    Yeah, Friday night..... I have no idea why that decision was made...cuz it makes no sense. I can't picture anyone sitting off to the side saying/thinking, "sheesh...why's SHE here??" ....argh

    aaannyway. See you at the Policemen's memorial??
    LOVE!!!
    your bean

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  27. Robynn, you just concentrate on your health and don't worry about us. I'm one of your followers, so whenever I see your next post on my dashboard, I'll be right over.

    I've had to cut back myself and concentrate on my own health issues, so I fully understand!

    Hugs, dear friend.

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  28. Even in your misery, you make me laugh!

    I'll come be back here often - screaming if need be!

    Take care of yourself, my friend. I wish you an easing of your pain.

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  29. Oh, my. Frustrating news indeed (the disease rearing its ugly head, not that you've decided to take a break). You'll be in my thoughts and prayers Robynn, and I'll be hanging around here waiting patiently until you are back in action. Get better soon!

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  30. Darling Robynn
    I agree with every single one of these comments left... I just love to read your posts, and just love to know that somewhere over the Atlantic I have a friend! You just do what you need to do... and come by whenever you feel up to it. You truly are a Star. With hugs and love. XX

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  31. I'm sending good health vibes your way!! Do ya feel them? Maybe a little tingly feelin'? NO NOT THERE! OMG!

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  32. Robynn,I don't know what to say. I guess I didn't realize you were suffering so. I will keep you in my prayers and check in to see how your doing. Keep your spirits high, cause you make alot of people feel happy!

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  33. I think you're mistaken that people visit your blog just to be entertained.

    Sure, it's entertaining but we visit because we care about YOU!

    My prayers are with you, Robynn!
    We will be here when you return, still caring about you and maybe hoping for a little of that entertainment that you're so great at.

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  34. Yeah... what they said... X 10!
    Honey I loves ya just the way you are, so put on your stretchy pants, eat some of the Lord's chips and just keep on channeling Gladys.

    I'm sure that means something.
    Muuuuuuuaaaaaahhhhh
    ooxxooXoXXxH
    (p.s. You can have my lucky machete... k?)

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  35. Hi, sweetness...

    I'm so sorry you're going through this; and that it's flaring on your right now. Rest. Do what the doctor says. And let us know what we can do for you.

    I know what it feels like to be seemingly hitting your head against a brick wall with meds that don't work and sleep that won't come. I'll be praying for you, friend!

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  36. oh Robynn, my heart goes out to you! I can only imagine how difficult it is trying to juggle everything in life only to have your efforts thwarted by pain and discomfort. Please know that we are thinking of you and we do miss you. Please feel better soon and take good care of yourself so that you can heal!

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  37. I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to share with us and we do care about you and hope for your speedy recovery. We'll be here regardless of whether you can come "visit" us or not! :)

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  38. Hi friend, I'm sorry your having some health problems...don't feel like you can't share those on your blog...it is in our struggles that we become real to others, where true connection happens.
    Although I do love a good laugh!!!!
    I wanted to let you know the eggs hatched and I just posted it on my blog, I thought you might want to see the creatures...they sure do look weird!
    I can't wait to see how they grow

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  39. In your pain
    feel no pressure
    to visit again

    May God bless
    the life we treasure
    with health and warmth and bliss

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  40. Ok, I've been working in my yard, and therefore not visiting the blogs I usually visit quite as often. Your excuse is better than mine. You (and your family!) are in my prayers Robynn... Hugs from me to you. May the Lord give you a special sense of His presence as you go through this time. My grandma said something to me this week that helped me a lot when I need it... she said, "the Bible says that "whom the Lord loveth, he chasteneth" (that's KJV) the Lord must love you OH-SO-VERY-MUCH to give you this trial to make you grow!" Hope that encourages you instead of annoys you... :-)

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  41. Robynn,
    I am dreadfully sorry to hear of this health issue, and the pain it is causing you. My thoughts are with you and hope you are able to return to full health soon. You know I will pray for you, Robynn.
    Gentle Hugs from me so it doesn't hurt. God Bless Eddie x
    PS You are in a horse race next week but just watching!

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  42. Dear Robynn,
    You are in my prayers as you struggle with your illness. I hope you do talk about it and let us support you as you need it. We are here not just to be entertained by you (which we are) but to also help you when you need it.
    Take care of yourself and the blog will always be here as will we your faithful readers.
    Love,
    Mountain Woman

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  43. Robynn - just checking in to say hi and that I hope you're feeling better. To cheer you up, visit my blog today so you can see the video I made of this goofy dog I met - I think it'll make you laugh and you said you like to laugh!

    http://thebutterflymind.com/ramblings_0095_meetmaddy.htm

    Feel better soon!

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  44. Dearest friend, please know I'm here for you if you want to chat or cry on my e-shoulder.

    I've been able to bare my heart to you and received your prayers and support in return. Contact me anytime, please.

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  45. What Dud, Not!
    Buck Up, you must see from the multitude of posts here that YOU ARE LOVED. Blessed Be.

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  46. I continue to be so blessed by you all! Thank you for your prayers, kind words, and loving thoughts. Sitting causes more nerve compression so I need to get a laptop I can glue to the front of my face and walk around with! Maybe I could get an eyepiece like a cyborg warrior and blog in virtual reality. I see GREAT possibilities here!!

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  47. Thanks for sharing. I love reading your blog. Write when you can and come by anytime.

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  48. Robynn, I have a laptop that I can sit on my lap on my loveseat recliner or next to me on the bed. I rigged table top on a rolling tv cart so that I could attach one of those monitor (or tv) arms next to Missy's computer monitor and she works from her recliner all the time. I wish I was closer. I'd let you back me in a corner and talk as long as you could stand it. And then I would give you a big hug and say any time you want to talk... holler at me. I'm so sorry that you are having to go through all this. You have so much heart. I'll be around to check on you, and don't you forget it. Especially when it's not raining and I can get on line.

    I am with you... as you have been with me. You are very special to me.

    Helen

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  49. I'm so sorry, Robynn, and I will add you to my prayer list. Though I do visit blogs of those who comment on my site (and my commenters aren't the numbers that yours are), I do also read a good many blogs whose authors never read my site, or at least they never comment on it. In other words, I don't determine what blogs I'll read by who comments on mine. I love your blog. I love the way you make me laugh. I don't need to know that you read my blog in order for me to enjoy reading yours!

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  50. Oh, Dear Robynn, how I wish there were a way I could take away your pain. You take time and heal, or at least get this thing to slow down. We will miss you, but we will drop in to visit and wait. Waiting is good it builds expectation.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you!

    Linda
    http://coloradofarmlife.wordpress.com

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  51. *HUG*

    I'll be whispering prayers for you Robynn

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  52. It's good to have it off your chest. I understand.

    Hugs dear. xx

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  53. I am so sorry I am late in coming over to you to wish you many hugs and love, Robynn. I understand your pain, I really do. I am so sorry you are hurting so much and I wish I was there to offer you a shoulder to lean on or an ear to talk to... I know this can be a rough and frustrating time.

    I don't like to talk much about my illness either, just like you.
    I'm not a huge fan of attention or sympathy but sometimes you just need to let it out, it's ok.
    When my twin sister was killed by my abusive father when I was a little girl and I was beaten to receive the seizures I have today, I felt guilty for so long for being alive and didn't talk and just held things inside. I never discussed with anyone about my abusive parents or my time out on the streets when I was kicked out so young... I never talked about my epilepsy.
    I suffered alone and other pains developed because of it....
    it is ok to talk about it and I see that all your friends are ok with it.

    I do have to leave for a while to do some major health tests with my epilepsy so that is why I need to stop blogging for a bit... my epilepsy is a bit out of control... seizures are not stopping.
    I really appreciate all your beautiful comments and support as well and please know that I'm praying for you and hope that one day a doctor will find something to help you feel better... I know you have just about enough.

    Take care and many hugs♥

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  54. My sweet friend - you are loved and much in my prayers!

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  55. My sweet friend - you are much in my prayers!

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